Day 25: Girls Day

Saturday May 21, 2022

I’ve been privy to Dr. Brene Brown for years. On top of researching shame, she also researches ‘belonging’. She defines belonging as “being part of something bigger but also having the courage to stand alone, and to belong to yourself above all else.”

In her appearance on the Today Show she states “the thing is that we are wired to be a part of something bigger than us so deeply, that sometimes we will take fitting as a substitute, but actually fitting in is the greatest barrier to belonging because fitting in says, ‘Be like them to be accepted.’ Belonging says, ‘This is who I am. I hope we can make a connection,” said Brown.

And so that’s how I feel about my time here at the Feather Leaf Inn. I am cautious about how I spend my time here, making sure to write and read as I please. So that “separates me from the pack” of the other Workawayers. But not with Amma.

“You just have to find your person” Cat told me before she left. And I have.

So today is Amma & Kelly’s day, not intentionally, but it becomes such to me.

Amma picks me up in the beat up RAV4 and I am rather smitten with the day already, having woken up to a fabulous dawn and cup of delicious creamy coffee. I speak an affirmation into the car “today is such a beautiful day”.

I am feeling a sense of “self” today, grounded. Any guilt of feeling happy is not with me today. “I think I am too humble sometimes” I tell Amma. “I think I refrain from sharing more “me” in effort to not make people feel bad.” Surrounded with a lot of melancholy in my upbringing and certainly lately, it feels strange to be celebrating my happiness. But today, I don’t let it.

What I mean by being less humble, is showing my happiness more without watering it down for the comfort of others. Amma tells me to observe a fine line in my new practice.

So we’re driving down Hams Bluff Blvd and I weave a quick double Dutch braid in my mane. We arrive down at pier where we hopped our little butts in the water for a morning snorkel. 

We met Amma’s friend Monica there. A fantastic swimmer and seasoned snorkeler, she was a great spotter, pointing out a sting ray, turtle, parrot fish, blue tang, and one of her favorites – a “winking coral” she called it. It little anemones that, when you snap your fingers, they retreated inward.

It was great that she pointed out these organisms because silly me forgot to put my contacts in for the snorkel. I’m relying instead on the magnification that happens between the goggles and the water – about 25% magnification. I am certain that I missed a lot of beautiful details in the coral and fish closer to the floor. Simply being in the water is what I cared about. 

There was one little guy, a fish, who made his presence known on the way back toward shore. He got right up in my face and touched my goggles as if he knew I was having a hard time seeing. Crosseyed, I greet him and together, we swam toward shore, whale and krill style.

 He was yellow and lavender color, about 2” in diameter, and he swam with me for a quarter of a mile, swimming around in my neck area and occasionally jumping in front of my goggles to remind me he was there. I felt like his protector and that I found a new friend.

I showed Amma and she loved it. She said, “He loves you!” And my heart melted into the sea. I stopped swimming a couple of times to check if he was still there and he was. I felt friendship with this fish and eventually, we parted ways going in our own directions.

After the refreshing morning snorkel, Amma and I went for breakfast at Polly’s across the street from the peer. There were little chicks piled under a man’s chair as he drank his morning coffee. Some roosters chased their young around, darting across the street chasing after them.

As we sat at the table I remembered, strangely, that I dreamt of eating a fried egg last night. After 3 weeks eating vegan, I missed my eggs and so I ordered an egg and cheese sandwich accompanied with a passion fruit lemonade. So there I was, living my dreams there at Polly’s with main squeeze, Amma.

For a couple of hours, maybe one and a half, we talked about everything from the meaning of my Thai Sak Yant tattoo (trying to translate it via Google image), to our relationships and their endings, to traveling the world and what brought us to do it.

After lunch, Amma brought me to the site of a community mural. She brought paints and brushes and told me to think of something to paint. So there, just 10 feet from the beach, we painted for an hour or less, listening to the waves as we tilted out heads with each brush stroke. Painting. Art. Peace. Love. Happiness. All experienced in these moments.

We stopped by the air conditioned grocery store and on the way back I had my first mongoose sighting. They are adorable! Fiesty, too, I hear. They will chase and eat iguanas, cute and fuzzy as they are.

Heading home, I’m dying for ice cream. We swing by a bright green trailer that’s selling frozen ice and ice cream. I order two cones which, come out green. “Everything is so brightly colored” Amma says. At the stand, there is a homeless gray pitbull hanging around for food. A guy tries to explain to me she is just looking for food in a way that makes me think I’m new on the planet.

Amma and I utilize the base of our cones as a bowl and stuff it with trail mix – the only other food source to offer. We walk it over to her. She is absolutely beautiful and if I lived here, I would love to take her in and rescue her.

Returning to Feather Leaf, we don’t even make it up the driveway before we find ourselves out of the car walking toward the giant Saman tree in the front lawn. There’s a hammock there that needs fixing and there’s also my hammock that needs a good spot. So I grab it from Baobob and meet Amma under the tree. There’s a perfectly good spot for mine that I can return to later. And the existing hammock, it’s a trampoline net from a catamaran that needs replacing – the wood frame broken too. It would be a fabulous place to rest and so we inspect it to see how the reparations can go, returning to the main house to store groceries.

Amma delights me with a light lunch later in the day – freshly made juice comprising of watermelon, beets, ginger, and other things that wash over my palette. Two slices of watermelon and apples. It was lovely!

Later, I talked to Emily. Emily’s dog, Dixie, was diagnosed with Leukemia only 3 weeks ago, and before she knew it, she was put to rest by her parents back home. It all happened before she could grasp it, and my heart swelled for her. I lost Barkley in 3 short weeks, too. And my heart shattered from the loss.

I told her the story of my dad. I told her how my dad would never allow me to have a dog growing up. Not until I brought Barkley home one day. Barkley lured him in dad fell in love with him and softened his edges. Before we knew it, my mom came home with a dog for the two of them. My fur brother, Doxie Poo who looked like a schnauzer, named Howard.

She enjoyed the character development of my dad in the story. Barkley was a blessing in that way. Dixie was her baby and I felt for her. I hugged Emily and gave her my love.

The rest of the evening drifted by and I felt sturdy. I find a sense of belonging in today. I find it not by wagering or fitting in as I may have done in the past when, perhaps, my sense of self was largely more in question.

Today, however, and each day since I have arrived, I have begun to embody more truly, the pirouettes of my tattoo. The ones that stand sturdy, with slight zig-zags that course-correct on the way up to enlightenment; to belonging.